How To
Know You Are A Redneck
After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What are you
looking at, shithead?"
You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.
Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
event.
There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.
You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano recital.
You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels
off.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State trooper to "kiss my ass".
You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of the
message "For a good time, call _______."
Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
You've ever been too drunk to go fishing.
You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.
You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.
You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an opening on
the lube rack.
You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup trucks
than cars.
You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.
Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.
You call your boss "Dude."
Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly
Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."
Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."
You know your a Redneck if your idea of dual air bags is your wife and
mother-in-law in the front seat of your pick-up!
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