Lawyers

Titanic
A doctor, a garbage truck driver, and a lawyer die and go to Heaven. When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they will each have to answer one question correctly to enter into the Divine Kingdom. The doctor is chosen to be asked first. St. Peter thinks, "Hmmm...a Doctor would be a nice addition to Heaven." So, he asks the doctor, "What was the name of the ship that hit an iceberg and sank into the sea?" The doctor replies, "That's easy. Titanic." St. Peter allows him to enter into Heaven for correctly answering the question. He next turns to the garbage truck driver. He thinks, "Well, he could belong in Heaven, but we don't really need him." So, he asks, "How many people drowned?" The garbage truck driver replies, "That's simple. 2,212." St. Peter says, "That's right!" 

He then turns to the lawyer, and says, "Name them."

St.Peter
An Engineer was sent up to the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the man why he should be let into heaven, and the engineer had no quick answer. He had made some bad decisions in his life (ultimately leading to his untimely death). And so, the engineer was sent down to the perils below. Upon his arrival, he decided that the current accommodations just wouldn't do. Before anyone knew it, Hell had escalators, master suites, and air conditioning, and it was becoming a pretty nice place to be. Well, word travels fast, and God heard about this, and it didn't seem right to him, so he decided to give the devil a call. He demanded that there had been a mistake and the engineer belonged with him. The devil refused. God was getting angry, "If you don't sent that man to his rightful place...I'll...I'll sue you for every penny that your worth!" The Devil simply laughed at this and replied, "Oh yah? And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Shark
A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer were in a life boat after the ship they were on had sunk. Unfortunately the life boat only had supplies for two people, and after drifting for days, they ran out of water. Luckily, they were within sight of land, and so they decided that one of them should swim to the shore. Without waiting to decide who would go, the lawyer dived into the shark infested water and began to swim to shore. He was immediately surrounded by sharks that began to close in on him. However, to the amazement of both the doctor and engineer, the lawyer made it to shore. "Wow!! That is amazing!" exclaimed the engineer. The doctor, however, simply replied "No, no . . . simply a matter of professional courtesy."

Lawyer Dies
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. 
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" 

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Lawyer on a Train
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Russia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havana's, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havana's, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he throws the pack of Havana's thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. 

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

Old Lawyer
The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree you told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less lawyer".

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