Gay Humor

Heaven's Full
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell." "Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.

"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..." 

Getting Even
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. 

The New Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens because the current rooster was getting on in years. He bought a young cock and turned it loose in the barnyard. The old rooster eyed the new arrival with concern and said, "So you're the new stud in town? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it I challenge you to a race around that henhouse. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets all the hens for himself." "You're on," the young rooster said."And considering your age, I'll even Give you a head start of half a lap." The two birds took their marks and the race began. After the fist lap the old rooster was in the lead. After the second lap he was still ahead, but his lead had slipped and continued to slip each time around. By the fifth lap he was just barely in front of the younger rooster. The farmer, hearing the commotion, grabbed his shotgun, ran out the barnyard and watched in disgust as the two roosters ran around the henhouse. He aimed his shotgun and blew away the young rooster. "Damn," he mumbled to himself. 

"That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." 

Gay Bar Secret
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks "What the heck, I really want a drink." A gay waiter swishes up to him and says "What's the name of your penis?" The customer is shocked and says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the customer says "all right, what's the name of YOUR penis?" The gay waiter says "NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT". The customer thinks for a moment and says "The name of my penis is "Secret" "SECRET?" says the waiter, confused. 

The customer says "Yeah ... STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!" 

Pick Up Line at Gay Bar
The number one pick up line at a gay bar?? 
"May I push in your stool?" 

Four Proud Fathers
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, starts to talk about how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend of his two brand new cars as a gift." The third man listens to all this, and then starts to brag about his son and how he had worked his way up through a stock brokerage and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing the successes of their sons and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. 

But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

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