Jester's Jokes 2

A Waste
Three men are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asks them if they ever cheated on their wives. the first man says all the time, St. Peter gives him a compact car and admits him into heaven. the second man says "I cheated a couple of times" and St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and admits him into heaven. the third man says "I never cheated on my wife in 40 years of marriage" so St. Peter gives him a rolls-royce and admits him into heaven. a week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying, the other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. the third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard

The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the "statue". Later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the 'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water." 

Ouch
Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest swordsman. 
The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge. Now the judge came to the second samurai and again opened a small box. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts. "Superb," exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. "But the fly still lives," observed the judge. "True," replied the samurai, " But he will never reproduce again!" 

The Chief
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.

" The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child." 

Virgin Mary
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and, due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: "Sorry about the mix up." Clinton: "No problem."
Pope: "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton: "Why's that?" Pope: "All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary." Clinton: "Sorry; you're a day late

New Job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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