Beer Troubleshooting

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action : Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
Fault : Improper bladder control.
Action : Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom : Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault : Glass empty.
Action :  Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom : Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault : You have fallen over backward.
Action : Have yourself leashed to bar.

Symptom : Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault : You have fallen forward.
Action : See above.

Symptom : Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action : Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom : Floor blurred.
Fault : You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action : Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom : Floor moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Action : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom : Room seems unusually dark.
Fault : Bar has closed.
Action : Confirm home address with bartender.

Symptom : Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault : Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action : Cover mouth.

Symptom : Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault : You are dancing on the table.
Action : Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom : Beer is crystal-clear.
Fault : It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action : Punch him.

Symptom : Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault : You have been in a fight.
Action : Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom : Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault : You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action : See if they have free beer.

Symptom : Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault :  The beer is too weak.
Action : Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom : Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault :  Beer is just right.
Action : Play air guitar.

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